What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
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imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*