@Kalarlis: what would Netflix even do if i sent them back a DVD of me doing karate they'd have no choice but to add it to their collection i suppose
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@TheMichaelRock: Wife: I'll just have a salad. Waiter: and for you, sir? Me: I'll be giving her half of my food.
@super_morgasm: You shouldn't be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
@LostCatDog: Waiter: Hi! Our special today is macaroni or cheese! Me: Wait - did you say 'or' cheese? Waiter: *lifts shirt, reveals gun* Look, I'm a cop
@ThaJawn: *googles murder tips *adds "asking for a friend" at the end of each search They won't be able to prove a thing! *evil cackles