Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
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Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”