Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
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Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
oppen heimer style lol
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Attacked by a mop.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there