WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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I only eat vegetarians.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.