WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
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1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.