“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The French word for sex is croissant.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
synchronized noseblowing
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.