“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
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With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.