@tarashoe: whatcha thinkin bout
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@MikeMcNeil_: wife: "HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?" me: "DUNNO," I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.
@AristotlesNZ: Me: Are these your kids? Boss: "Yep" They're gorgeous! "Thanks" Step kids? "Nope" Adopted? "No.." .. ".." She's cheating on you.. "Get out"
@Tmoney68: I've never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
@joe_binkley: I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say "I don't think you're ready."