People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
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Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro