“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
You Might Also Like
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.