“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
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Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex