Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
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Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision