I have never related to a cat more
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HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.