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*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
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KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy