Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
*weighs self after shaving
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
True.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.