@Aspersioncast: Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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@hashtag_stacks: 'I've never done this on a first date before' I say as I start vacuuming his place
@ParentNormal: VOICEMAIL: I'm sorry I can't come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can't try again until next year
@BrettDruck: I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let's do this bro