Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
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Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
Mornin
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Sunday
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.