Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Whoa 😂
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
satan: not today, microsoft teams
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.