Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
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I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Never ghost your hitman.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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.
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.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?