English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
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ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
Weirdly Wednesday.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.