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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
I didn’t come here to be called names
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.