Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
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*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird