Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
The asteroid..
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.