@KizerBillhelm: Whatever, Usain Bolt. I've been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
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@Ms612: 911: What's your emergency? Me: Are you guys hiring? 911: This is an emergency line. Me: No shit. Why do you think I'm calling?
@nimble__nick: *At the pearly gates* St Peter: Welcome to heaven. I'll show you around. Me: Sooo many oysters must've died to make this gate.
@WheelTod: Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
@ElleOhHell: Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.