Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
You Might Also Like
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.