“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I think my mom just blocked me
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*