“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Day 2 of my diet
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.