What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
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I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.