What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
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Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I know this now 😂
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, but, the last time a girl got down on her knees for me, she showed me how to tie my shoelaces.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.