Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
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Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island