ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
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Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
man i love columbo
that lip filler tho
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.