The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
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Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?