I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
got so much cardio in today
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]