What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Truth
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys