What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
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Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Where’s my employee discount too?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
yes… yes…
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
That de-escalated quickly
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.