nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
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i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.