The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
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(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Sorry. Not sorry
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.