Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
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People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Life with a cat in one tweet
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.
Luke: But why?
Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’