what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
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*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
You are not alone 💚
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear