“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
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Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
🥶🥶🐶🐶
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs