What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
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Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people