What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(I’m not deleting this)
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.