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If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!