What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
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i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
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“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.