What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
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“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.