What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
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I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
When I said I liked it rough.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.