@HousewifeOfHell: What's it called when you're anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I'm that.
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@BeardSpice: [sitting in doctor's office] It's bad news. You have a rare case of contagious memory loss. "What do you mean?" I can't remember.
@maurex23: Top 5 birth control methods 1. pills 2. hysterectomy 3. jean jackets 4. crocs 5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side
@juicymorsel: Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she "couldn't make it in to work." This is called managing upwards, people.
@neiltyson: FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.