What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
You Might Also Like
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.