What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
“what that mouth do?” complain
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!