Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money