I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
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Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird