“what’s it like having a sister?”
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Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.