“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”